A lot of the times, when I meet people from outside Germany, i hear some version of the same thing:
"Germans are cold."
"It's hard to make German friends"
And honestly, I get it.
When I first came to Germany, I felt the same. I had lonely months. I had awkward conversations. I went to a lot of events where I came back feeling more alone than before. I also had my own experiences that made me say, "Yeah, it's hard to make friends here."
But when I look at my life right now, the sentence doesn't seem completely right. A lot of my closest friends are German. I have people here who show me warmth, loyalty and care.
So I started asking myself: what changed? and the honest answer is: I changed.
When I first came to Germany, I actively avoided Indian groups. That sounds a little harsh, so let me explain. It was not because I disliked my own people. It was almost the opposite. I knew how easy it would be. Same language, same jokes, same food and same culture.
And I was scared that if I get too comfortable too quickly, I would never really step outside that comfort to make new deep friendship from different cultural backgrounds
I had two close Indian friends in Karlsruhe, and I'm grateful for them. But I avoided a lot of invitations from different Indian People, cause a part of me thought: If I came all the way here from my country, I should try to build a life beyond what I already know.
Then I moved to Munich.
And suddenly, I was completely alone. No familiar faces. No one to text on a Friday evening. No one knew my story.
I started going to events alone. I introduced myself to strangers. I made small talk. Some people were nice. Some conversations had good energy. Some people felt like they could become my really good friends. But most of the time, they did not. Not deeply, at least.
For a while, I thought that was because of them. Germans are reserved. Because people here already have their circle. Because it's hard to break in.
And maybe some of that is true. But slowly, I realized something uncomfortable:
I was not fully myself. I had a filter on. Not intentionally. I did not wake up and decide to become a different person around the people from different cultures. I spoke differently. I would hold back jokes because I thought they would not land. I was careful. Too careful. I wanted to be accepted.
I clearly remember this night in Berlin that made me see things more clearly. I was staying in a hostel and met a guy from New Zealand. He was of Asian descent, dressed very casually, maybe a little shabby by whatever silly standards I had in my head that night. I wanted to hit the club, and he was the only person who was down to join me.
At first, I remember thinking: I don't want to go with this guy cause I don't want to be seen with him. He was wearing flip-flops, and I thought there was no way we were getting into a club like that. I told him to wear shoes so we would have a better chance of getting in.
As no one else was down, I decided to go with him. On the way there, we started talking. And almost immediately, we connected really well. He was genuine, friendly and not a try hard. He was comfortable with who he was.
We got into the club, and the same thing happened there. His energy drew people. He started conversations with random strangers so naturally. People responded to him and we ended up having a lot of beautiful conversations.
Somewhere in the middle of that night, I realized something: I had been projecting my insecurities onto him. I was quick to judge him by his appearance and I was being scared of being judged myself. That night stayed with me. I had been walking around with so many invisible assumptions what other people thought of me. How I should talk. How much should I joke. And what version of me is acceptable. And the more I tried to control how people saw me, the less present I became, the less true I became to myself, the less I liked myself.
It was very easy to turn loneliness to cultural conclusion. Sometimes the culture is different. Sometimes people are more reserved. Sometimes people have different opinions. Sometimes people don't get you. But also sometimes, we are trying so hard to be accepted that we lose touch with our real self. Sometimes we act different around people from different culture. Sometimes we also walk into the conversation with our assumptions and narratives. Being yourself doesn't make everyone your person. But it gives the right people a chance to recognize you.
I no longer believe the story: "Germans are cold." or "It's hard to make friends here in Munich."
Some of the warmest and best people in my life are Germans.
And maybe the real lesson for me was not that Germans became easier to understand. Maybe the lesson was I became easier for others to know. Not everyone, of course. But the right ones.